They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Walter Hagen. Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste. Wes Smith. Submitted by Keith Ellington One day your life will pass before your eyes, make sure it is worth watching. Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.Samuel Beckett A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.Adolf Hitler. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt.Charles M. Schulz Wagners music is better than it sounds.Mark Twain Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.TS Eliot. My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.Groucho Marx The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.Jay Leno Woe unto you also, lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne.Jesus Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?John Mendosa. The concert is a polite form of self induced torture.Henry Miller. I rant, therefore I am.Dennis Miller Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Jeff Raskin. Youll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks. Robin Williams. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.Benjamin Disraeli I dont think anyone should write their autobiography until after theyre dead.Samuel Goldwyn My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.Mitch Hedberg I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.Stephen King China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.Former French President Charles de Gaulle. He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipeOn Neville Chamberlain Winston Churchill I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.Walt Disney Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook. I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.George Burns Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. If youre not failing every now and again, its a sign youre not doing anything very innovative.Woody Allen Im always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I cant understand is, if they dont know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?Paul Merton. A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven sure-fire literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.William Faulkner on Mark Twain I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.Bob Hope Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.Oscar Wilde As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.Albert Einstein The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.Bob Monkhouse. The television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldnt have in your home.David Frost Dont get suckered in by the comments they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.Dave Storer I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.Bob Hope Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea.John Ciardi. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. WC Fields. Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up. Muhammad Ali. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen. Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.Will Rogers A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.Emo Philips Submitted by Inah CabidogI never finish anythi. Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. George Bernard Shaw Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.Oprah Winfrey Wed all like to vote for the best man but hes never a candidate. Kin Hubbard. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. Dennis Ritchie. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.Author Unknown I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if Im in a cabinet meeting.Ronald Reagan. I want