MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica GetsGetsGetsGets a a a a NewNewNewNew RoommateRoommateRoommateRoommate(The(The(The(The Pilot-ThePilot-ThePilot-ThePilot-The UncutUncutUncutUncutVersion)Version)Version)Version)Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig Additional transcribing by: EricAasen (Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.)Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica:Theres nothing to tell! Hes just some guy I work with! Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: Cmon, youre going out with the guy! Theres gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump?Ahump and a hairpiece? Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe: Just, cause, I dont want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. Its just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Time Lapse Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Alright, so Im back in high school, Im standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All:All:All:All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Then I look down, and I realize theres a phone. there. Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: Instead of.? Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Thats right. Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe: No. Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica:And they werent looking at you before?! Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler: Finally, I figure Id better answer it,and it turns out its my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! Time Lapse, Ross has entered. Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: (mortified) Hi. Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica:Are you okay, sweetie? Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck. Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler: Cookie? Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: Ohh. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: Thanks. Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.) Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: No, no dont! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe:Phoebe: Fine!Be murky! Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross:Ill be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope shell be very happy. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: No you dont. Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: No I dont, to hell with her, she left me! Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey:And you never knew she was a lesbian. Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: No! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didnt know, how should I know? Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00A.M., “Ill never have grandchildren, Ill never have grandchildren.“ was what?Awrong number? Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: Sorry. Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey:Alright Ross, look. Youre feeling a lot of pain right now. Youre angry. Youre hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (Ross gestures his consent.) Joey:Joey:Joey:Joey: Strip joint! Cmon, youre single! Have some hormones! Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: I dont want to be single, okay? I just. I just- I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.) Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:Chandler:And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.) Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: Rachel?! Rachel:Rachel:Rachel:Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you werent there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress:Waitress:Waitress:Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (toAll) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel:Rachel:Rachel:Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross:Ross:Ross:Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Rosss umbrella opens.He sits back down defeated again.Amoment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.) Monica:Monica:Monica:Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel:Rachel:Rachel: