2023年美国著名脱口秀主持人艾伦杜兰大学毕业演讲 Thank you.President Cowan.Mrs.President Cowen.distinguished guests, undistinguished guests.You know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.And thank you to all the graduating cla of 2023, I realize most of you are hangover and have splitting headaches and havent slept since Fat Tuesday, but you cant graduate til I finish, so listen up.When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.Then I went to look up what commencement meant.Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portias, and theyre all written in Australian.So I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.Commencement.Common, and cement.Common cement.You commonly see cement on sidewalks.Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mothers back.So theres that.But Im honored that youve asked me here to speak at your common cement.I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus alumint alumini aluminum alumis you had to graduate from this school.And I didnt go to college here, and I dont know if President Cowen knows, I didnt go to any college at all.Any college.And Im not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, Im a huge celebrity.Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers.I spent a lot of time here growing up.My mom works at (?) and I would go there every time I needed to steel something out of her purse.But why am I here today? Clearly not to steel, youre too far away and Id never get away with it.Im here because of you.Because I cant think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating cla.I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes.Usually when youre wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means youve given up.Im here because I love New Orleans.I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and I like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.When I finished school, I was completely lost.And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.And I I really, I had no ambition; I didnt know what I wanted to do.I did everything from I shucked oysters, I was a hoste, I was a bartender, I was a waitre, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.And I thought Id just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didnt really have a plan.My point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I know who I was, but I had no idea.Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.So what Im saying is, when youre older, most of you will be gay.Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents? Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.And I paed the accident, and I didnt know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her.And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattre on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I dont understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldnt it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadnt even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town.I said, Im gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.At the time he was the king “and Im gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.And I started this path of stand-up and it was succeful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay.And I thought if people found out they wouldnt like me, they wouldnt laugh at me.Then my career turned into I got my own sitcom, and that was very succeful, another level of succe.And I thought, what if they find out Im gay, then theyll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents this was back, many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldnt live that anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative.And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasnt to make a political statement, it wasnt to do anything other than to free myself up from this heavine that I was carrying around,