The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesnt. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesnt. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesnt. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. -Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. Submitted by Bob Waldman- A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, Bow-wow! The cat ran away. What was that, Father? asked Baby Mouse. Well, son, thats why its important to learn a second language. Submitted by BH LEE- My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him What was the name of his other leg? (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.) -The doctor to the patient: You are very sick The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion? The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too. I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti-A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts. The doctor asks, What do you mean? The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts. The doctor says, I know whats wrong with you - youve broken your finger! Submitted by Sean McLoughlin- Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini- Patient: Doctor! Youve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico-Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, Why are you arguing? One boy answers, We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. You should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher, When I was your age I didnt even know what a lie was. The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. -A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him theres a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman What did you do that for? Submitted by Steve- A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: Its a girl. Shes my daughter. A: Oh, Im sorry, sir. I didnt know that you were her father. B: Im not. Im her mother. -Mother: Did you enjoy your first day at school? Girl: First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Submitted by Miguel de Paco Molt- Headmaster: Ive had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez- Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring? Nick: What do you think it is, Sir? Teacher: I dont think, I KNOW! Nick: I dont think I know either, Sir! Submitted by Bernadette Kelly -A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. Submitted by Cludia Almeida-A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but Im the one who must dig his grave. Submitted by Joe, from Indiana- A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. Wow!, said her father, That was short. You usually talk for two hours.