哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集英中字幕目 录第21集 爱情和自尊2第22集 自尊与自我实现37第23集 收获交流74第21集 爱情和自尊 Student:Hi,everyone.My name is Meghan.And we were running a really fun studyright after class about mindfulness and vision.It shouldnt take more than 10 to 15 minutes.So if you are interested,we need more than 60 people.So just come up to the front after class.And it wont take a long time.Its really fun.Thank you.(Applause)Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:You know this story about Gertrude Stein.And she was taking philosophy class with William James,right here in the Art.And they had their final exam.And it was spring semester course.And she comes into the exam.And its a day like today.And the exam is about metaphysics,and the meaning of life.So she opens the exam and writes,Today is too beautiful a day to take an exam.And she walks out.And you know,as legend has it of course,she gets a straight A in William James class.Dont use that as an example or an excuselater on in this semester.But I really appreciate you being here today.It is a beautiful day.I was thinking of having the class outside,but I think - maybe we should.Yeah.What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships -we have just a little to go,and then start with our final topic for the course,which is self-esteem.So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships.So we talked about how do we - given our natures,how do we attain,how do we sustain lasting love,lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level at leastthat our natures are not attuned to that approach.And we talked about - when studying the best relationships,the tip of the stem - four characteristics,based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman.The first one is: relationship is the hard work.Its an illusion to think thatthe most important thing is finding the right relationship;it is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.And just like we would not thrive,succeed at work,if we said,Well,I just found my dream job,and then put our legs up and relax;similarly we would not thrive in a relationship,if we have the finding mindset -we just need to find it and we will live happily ever after,as we talked about movies and where love begins.The second component of a healthy,lasting and passionate relationship related to the first oneis the notion of being known rather than being validated,expressing rather than impressing,being open,revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths,our desires,our passions,our fears and insecurities.And relationships that do,or partners that do that within a relationship,over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy,happiness,and they thrive,and they remain - maintain their passion.Thats the second component.The third component of a healthy relationship is thatthere are conflicts there.It is an illusion to believe thatthe ideal relationship is one that is conflict freethat doesnt exist,unless both partners are suppressing serious issues.So there are conflicts in relationships.The challenge is to have more positivity than negativityof course in a relationship,but also to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement,how to have conflict.And finally,the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception;being a benefit finder,and more than that,being a benefit creator.I want to just go back quicklyand elaborate on something that I didnt last timeabout the conflict or conflicts within a relationship.I think the most important essay,article that I read about relationships in generalwas the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson,published in a84a.And What Emerson writes about is his ideal friend.Let me quote him.He says,in a friend,what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions,a person who would agree with everything that I say;rather what Im looking for is a beautiful enemy,a person who will challenge me,who will push me,who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.A beautiful enemy - what a beautiful phrase.A conflict free relationship iswhere there are no beautiful enemies.A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us,who cares about us enough to challenge us,enough to disagree.And ask yourself what kind of friend,what kind of romantic partner would you like? A yes man or woman?Or a person who would be honest,would have high levels of integrity?What is the ideal friend? What is the ideal partner?You know its interestingthis whole idea of beautiful enemy goes way backit goes back to the most influential textin certainly the Western world,which is the Bible.In Genesis,God sees that man is alone.So he creates a help meet for him,a woman.A helpmeet.What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation.Well,if you look at it in the Hebrew,original,