Control Freak vs. Pushover Parenting:Why Neither Worksby Debbie Pincus, MS LMHCA recent article by selfdescribed “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua ignited a parenting conversation that appears to have been long overdue. In both the article and her book, Chua says she did not accept any grade less than an “A” from her two daughters, and did not allow T.V., video games, playdates or sleepovers. Chua believes typical Western style parenting is too lax and focuses on selfesteem over performance. The ongoing debate her article caused has led many parents to wonder if theyre too passiveor too controlling.Your child needs you to think for yourself and express your thoughts, beliefs and values. This helps him do the same for himself later.Whether you have the tendency to be a control freak or a doormat, your intentions are most likely good ones. You love and care about your child, and want him to be successful and happy. But when some parents get anxious about their kidsand their daunting parental responsibilitythey manage their anxiety by controlling their kids. Other parents give their children free rein and try to be their kids friend rather than their parent. Unfortunately, neither style will help your child launch into an independent adult who can stand on his own two feet. The key to being an effective parent is finding a reasonable, loving balance between the two extremes.Related: Are you at the end of your parenting rope?Are You a Control Freak Parent?If your morning routine sounds like this, you are probably a control freak parent: “Get down for breakfast this minute. You need to brush your teeth now. Go back to your room and put on the red sweater insteadit looks better with that outfit. You should ask your teacher for help as soon as you get to school today.” Controlling parents typically use lots of “shoulds” and “shouldnts.”A parent who micromanages their childs life will answer “yes” to one or more of these questions: Must it be your way and only your way? Are you always right? Do you threaten, lecture, warn, or order your kids around in a barking kind of tone? Do you often do things your child can do for himself because you think you can do it better or “the right way?” Do you tend to make decisions for your child? Do you often use bribes to get him to do what you want him to do? Do you give him little freedom to think for himself?OrAre You a Pushover ParentYou may be the type of parent who goes to the opposite extreme. If you are more of a pushover parent, youll find yourself frequently saying things like, “Okay, well maybe just this one time,” or “You never listen to me anyway, so go ahead and do what you want.Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if youre a passive parent: Do you want to make sure your child never struggles, fails or feels pain or disappointment? Do you feel bad saying “no” to him? Do you find yourself nagging your child and rewarding everything he does? Do you try to be your childs friend more than his parent? Do you do for him what he can do for himself? Do you generally overfunction for him and at times feel resentful? Do you make your focus your child instead of yourself and your adult relationships? Are you kind of afraid of your child?Related: Afraid of confronting your child?Control Freaks vs. Pushovers: Why Neither Parenting Style WorksThe problem with being overly controlling as a parent is that when you try to control your child (or anyone for that matter) you will most likely cause them to assume a position of chronic defensiveness. Your child will fight for his autonomywhich is actually a healthy, normal developmental response on his part. If you parent this way, as soon as you need something from your childcooperation, respect, love, good behavior, good mannersyou put yourself in a vulnerable position. You think you are in control, but actually you have handed your child the control. If you need a certain behavior from your child, all he has to do is refuse to give it to you. Now you are at a loss, feeling anxious and out of control. The struggle for control begins and never ends. The issue, whether its turning off the computer or taking the garbage out, becomes secondary to the bigger issue of who is going to win that struggle. Your child becomes so caught up in keeping control over his life that his energy goes into defending himself rather than thinking about good choices for himself. So youll have conversations like the following:You: “Please read your book.”Your child: “I already did.”You: “I didnt see you read it today.”Your child: “Well I did.”You: “No you didnt.”Your child: “Yes I did.”You: “No you didnt.”This argument, as you can see, is never ending. On the other hand, when youre a pushover parent, youre bending over backwards to make sure your child feels good at all costs. You probably find yourself saying things like the following:“If y